Fri, Nov. 26
This morning already started out poorly. It was the coldest day yet with snow and rain. I think it was the first time I have dreaded snow in the 20 years I have been alive. Walking to the orphanage was absolutely miserable. Today was my last day at the orphanage and it was a really really rough one. The kids were wild, AU was impatient. I was left in the room alone with the 4 little boys. They kept running outside, slamming the nap room door, climbing up things. I tried over and over to discipline them or even just to get them to listen to me.. put Sidekick in timeout.. and they would just giggle and run to do it again. I could not handle it. I just wanted to slump down and cry. This is not how I wanted my last day to go. Even Petra and Cosmo were fussing all day. Lori and Mihaela were working and neither of those goodbyes were very difficult. I went to the computer lab with AU and he had a really hard time today. He was having a lot of difficulty using the mouse. He also was being very very difficult, when I would try to click on the software, he kept clicking and clicking his head which he knows makes the computer go haywire. I would tell him to stop and then the moment that I would turn he would start clicking it again. It was so frustrating. Yesterday promised him that we would play one of his fun games today, but he picked the zoo game which required quick mouse movements. He cannot do this with his mouse contraption and got frustrated very quickly and would just click like crazy which can seize up the game. When it was time to go, he pushed and pushed up against the head mouse contraption making it nearly impossible to take off. Once I took it off he would not put his head down so that I could put the wheelchair headrest back into place. It just made me so frustrated because all I wanted today was a good day. All of the kids’ crazy behavior just made the day that much harder to end on. I left some stickers, a balloon and a note for AU in the computer lab. I also gave him a balloon with lots of stickers and what did he do? Pouted because I did not have any more stickers (I put four strips of stickers on his balloon). I do not think that he understood that it was my last day and that kills me because I do not want him to think that I have just abandoned him. These children have so many people come in and out of their lives. I almost hope that they maintain the improvement, but do not maintain the memory of me because I do not want them hurting. I do not want them to miss me. It kills me to think that they could think I just left them, that I do not love them anymore. So I pray that they can feel my love. In all reality… I feel like have needed them more than they have needed me. They have changed me. I am a different person, a more patient person, a more loving person. They gave me the desire to be the best person I can be now so that I can be the best mother that I can be later in life. It makes me excited to one day be a mother and feel this type of love again. I am going to miss Sidekicks’ bright eyes and crazy toothy laugh. These kids have been my whole life for the past 3 months and today is so much harder than I ever anticipated it would be. I was so caught off guard. When I brought AU back to the room, There were only the four boys out. I gave them all hugs and kisses. For the first time ever, little George gave me a kiss on each cheek. I held it together ok at the orphanage, but I got home and just lost it. I was crying more out of joy than anything. I could not really discern my emotions. I am not really sad, but it was almost an impulsive cry that comes with the thought of never seeing these kids again. . the fear that their lives will take a turn for the worse. More interns come in a month or so and will pick up where I left off, I just really hope and pray that these children will never forget that feeling of attachment and love, but also not be lonely or feel forsaken in this next month. I love them so much!
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Thurs, Nov. 25
Today was the much anticipated last day with Lumi. Tomorrow is my last day at the orphanage but she has the day off so all day was building up to the moment that I said goodbye. It was one of the hardest goodbyes I have had.
I was playing with Sidekick, I had him lying on my knees with his feet in the air as I played with his feet singing the ants go marching. Having him look up at me laughing, I got really choked up and it started to really sink in that tomorrow is goodbye.
Cosmo and Princessa have chicken pox, it was really delayed because all the other kids had it about a month ago. The chicken pox here is weird.. the kids get very very sick with high fevers and the sores are just nasty festering sores. Because of this, both of the girls were pretty upset all day which is never fun to watch.
I made some sugar cookies as part of my going away gift for Lumi and the kids. Due to some religious holiday, the workers fasting and could not have any animal products, therefore the milk in the cookies made them off limits. It was a bummer for me because I was so excited to share them, but I guess it was the thought that counts. Lori from Kala's room came over and asked me if I made them. I said that I did and she tried one and said 'Bravo!' She was very impressed which made me feel kind of good about myself haha. Baking in Romania is not exactly the easiest thing in the world.
Once again AU wanted me to walk him to the snack room and to feed him and it made me happy. He used to spit the food out to mess with me but today he worked with me. I really feel like he has come to respect me and it is so cool to feel like we have become buds. It is really satisfying. We had a great time today in the computer lab. Some days are really great and some days can require a lot more patience but today was one of those great days. Teo came in as we were spelling some words including 'Calculator' meaning computer. AU does not really like spelling because it is not fun but I have found that if I incorporate words involving activities and things that he enjoys, like computer or balloon or his favorite colors etc, he will have a lot more excitement. It definitely helps me find out more about him and what he enjoys. We were playing his counting the pictures game when he accidently exited the game and chose to play a game that had him distinguish greater than and less than symbols. We have played this game a few times before but had not for a couple weeks. Teo just happened to walk in and was so happy. She said she was trying to get him to learn his symbols and was glad that we were playing that game. It was definitely a crazy "coincidence"! We then worked in boardmaker on math symbols. He knew his greater than and smaller than symbols but not the addition, subtraction. It can be difficult explaining and teaching with the language barrier, particularly if we spontanteously decide to play a game like math symbols. Oh and one more thing, Teo was explaining the greater than and smaller than symbols when I told her the analogy of the crocodile mouth opening to eat the side with the greater number of objects. AU seemed to really like this analogy. Every culture has different games, analogies, teaching methods that seem normal to them, but you bring it to a different culture and it is refeshingly unique. Just as I have learned new and different approaches here, I feel like I have been able to contribute a few as well, simply because they were things that I have seen growing up in my own culture. Sorry I am really struggling putitng my thoughts into words tonight.
For those who know me, I am not a huge cryer (well ha at least before I came to Romania). Earlier today, Lumi had given me a goodbye gift as well as a four page letter. Teo read it to me, translating it and it was such an incredibly powerful letter. It touched me so much because I was able to realize just how much I have been able to help her. It is so crazy because we do not even speak the same language yet here we both are at the end of this little journey together deeply touched by one another and so sorry to say goodbye so soon. As Teo read the letter to me, Lumi started to tear up and left the room. I was worried that when I said goodbye, she would cry and I would not. I know that seems like such a minor little worry to have, but I wanted her to know that I cared about her and that saying goodbye would be hard for me too. I feared that if I was able to say goodbye stony faced, without the language capacity to tell her how I felt, my feelings would be misinterpreted. When I brought AU back into the room after the computer lab, the much anticipated moment had arrived. She tried to shoo me away and I could tell that this was very difficult for her, she did not even seem to want to say goodbye. In her letter she signed it , your friend in romania. I told her in my much challenged romanian 'Nu ești prietena romana mea, ești mama romana mea' meaning, you are not my romanian friend, you are my romanian mother. We both started to cry and it was such a touching moment for me. This whole time I have been thinking of my purpose here being the kids the kids the kids. I have become friends with Lumi but the last thing that I expected was to be such an influential part of her life and her be one in mine. She told me that I was leaving a whole in her heart, that I had added color to her life. What satisfaction and joy it brings. It just shows that you do not need to be the same age, background or even speak the same language to make deep and lasting friendships. I will miss her greatly, I do already.
So today is Thanksgiving. Weird. We planned to go to this American western style restaurant called Little Texas but found out, once we got there, that it was closed. A bit of a bummer since we were all looking forward to it. We went to Mamma Mia instead, it was the second day in a row but the pizza is amazing and you can never get enough pizza right?
I am not sad for my goodbyes tomorrow, in fact I am excited. I am excited because I am turning a new page in my life. I am excited for the next BYU interns to experience what I have experieced and felt here what I have felt here. I have found success in my kids and in my workers, I have made a difference and there is nothing more that I can do. Looking back I have done all that I could. At this point, it is someone else’s turn, someone else’s page. I am not sad, but happy. This has been the hardest, yet the greatest thing that I have done in my life up to this point.
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Wed. Nov 24
Tomorrow is Lumi’s last day, I had two pictures that we took together printed and I brought them in. She has this little book that she keeps in a special bag in her purse. I think it is for thoughts, pictures, contact information, little rememberant things.. it is really cute. She carefully placed the picture in this book, wrapped it back up and placed it in her purse.
No salame cu biscuiti today unfortunately.. it is the yummy dessert that they make for the kids. We usually have it on wednesdays but not today. The orphanage has done a lot of hiring and buying new things like mattresses. It is so great, but I wonder if because of this, they have cut down on the food budget. The kids still have plenty to eat but mainly biscuits or apples versus the baked goods they usually get.
George kept taking his shoes off to get my attention today. He can do this a lot.. particularily on days that he is feeling lonely. He would follow me shoving the shoes into me until I would give in put them back... only for him to throw them back off again. This happened like 3 or 4 times before i just ignored him. He followed me for probably 10 minutes just pushing his shoes into me until he finally gave up. He still never put his shoes back on.
The monster absolutely loves pat a cake .. always stops him from crying which is so great for the workers.
Sidekick was crying and Elena the new worker was forcing him to play with the Legoes and making him scream even more. Lumi was trying to get her to stop telling her, if he does not want to play, he does not want to play, but she would not stop. The children do not seem to like her very much. She asked me what my husband did for work. I was assuming she was referring to Brad, we are not married, but I just went with it and told her that he taught spanish. She was very impressed: ) She was telling me that she could not have kids but that she really wanted to adopt this little girl in our room which is so cool. Well, about the adoption. I wonder how that would work though. Would the little girl still play in our room while her mom worked?
Tonight we took Mario out to dinner and Mario was telling me that AU loves me very much, that he will miss me very much. We found out that Mario has a meeting with all of the workers once every couple weeks. This is really cool because she gets to hear how we are doing and everything. I did not know that she did that. She was telling me that Lumi was afraid that she was going to cry when we say goodbye. That she was not ready to say goodbye. THis made me feel really special that Lumi would tell Mario that. It is crazy to start thinking goodbyes and preparing for them. Mario is such a special woman. I really do wish her the best with all that she is going through right now. I wish that we could have done more for her, but she expressed her deep gratitude to us for all that we have done. It really made me realize how often in life we do not realize the impact and the difference we make until after it is all over. I think that it has to be that way otherwise we may not try as hard in the moment.
I am so sad to be leaving, but I do not think that it has really hit me yet. I have to say goodbye tomorrow to Lumi and that will be really hard. I hope that I do not cry although if Lumi cries I hope that I do too.
Tonight I made a little double sided page of photos of cosmin and I and put it in a page protector. I brought it to him today and he loved it. It made him really happy. He was in such a good mood today which was really nice. He missed me I think because he was really affectionate. A girl in the room was just staring us down the entire time and it was really uncomfortable. She did not crack a smile the entire time I do not think and was reeking with attitude. I think it was just a front but it was still a little uncomfortable. She showed me some pictures on her phone of her in her dancing outfit. It was a little strange to begin with because she gave no preface, we had not introduced ourselves or anything. She just started showing me these 10 plus pictures on her phone of her in a belly dancing type outfit posing for some unknown person. Then a rather scandalous picture popped up of her and things just got really uncomfortable. She hastily exited and then went back to her bed and continued to just stare at us. Cosmin always puts me in the best moods, particularily on days like today where is is just so happy and bubbly. His walking seems to be getting worse, but he has such an incredibly strong spirit. Every time I see him he insists that he is going home soon and never does. His little heart must break each and every day, yet he pushes through. Saying goodbye to him is one of the saddest children goodbyes I will have to make. THis is because he knows I am leaving never to return. He understands. Also it is sad because he has no solid base relationships in his life. He has been in the hospital for over a month, has made friends and lost friends, seen people come and go out of his life. Even in his own family they are not reliable and break each and every promise to him. I want him to know that I love him. All that I can do for him is pray for him.
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Tues. Nov 23
So today was not as crazy as yesterday. "Harry Potter" bit through his tongue pretty badly and was bleeding everywhere. It was really sad. He is such a cute little boy and his capabilities are pretty underrated I think. I found out that Thursday is Lumi’s last day. Wow. That is going to be a hard day. I think that this week is going to fly by faster than I realize. I am trying to spend as much time as I can with each of the kids. Soak in every moment, but it still has not sunk in completely that I will never see these children again. It was a productive day after the orphanage. I made some DELICIOUS soup with carrots, corn, cilantro, beans, cabbage stuff, onions, garlic, some chicken bullion, I used minimal salt and oil so I think it was really healthy. I browned some rice and added it as well as some pasta. I need to use up as much of my food as I can so that I do not waste a ton of stuff.
I also inquired about a job, got my records sorted out and I just feel so great and accomplished!
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Mon. Nov. 22
So it is Monday and what a day it was indeed. If I could "personify" my day with a cartoon character I would go with Taz the Tasmanian devil. So the day started like every other day... woke up at 8 am.. stayed in bed until about 8:35 am.. get up get changed brush my teeth.. eat some honey nut cheerios and am out the door by 8:45 am. The only real difference this morning was the number of layers I put on. This week has been chillier than past weeks and the morning fog definitely cuts to the bone.
The day today was not like a normal day though and it all started with the mattresses. The orphanage got new mattresses today which was really exciting for me because it seems that things are looking up financially (at least a little more so). It was exciting for the kids because just look back to when you were a child and how you would feel if suddenly these new and fresh smelling mattresses just started to fill the room. The problem though, is that because there are so many kids in my room they rotate their nap times to optimize their resources and minimize the craziness, but today all the kids had to be put in the main room. While they were switching out the mattresses, I was in charge of watching the 17 or so kids in the small play room. It got wild. In just a matter of seconds "The Monster" had managed to slip out of my grip, dash down the hall, run into the bathroom and by the time I got there (even though I ran) he already was arm deep in the bath tub water. "The Sidekick" was acting more like the boss today as he screamed bloody murder and was as rambunctious as a little 4 year old boy can be. At one point I was dragging 4 little boys, one by my foot, back into the room. I dont know why I did not think of it earlier, but as The sidekick ran out and crouched in the corner I told him to go inside on the count of three or else he would go to 'nanni' or nap time. One .. two.... (and then he started to count with me)... three! He tried to squirm away so I picked him up, brought him into the back room, placed him in a crib and walked out. He screamed and screamed but the moment he was put in his time out, all the other kids simmered down and were fine! I do not know if it was because he was the trouble maker, if they were like 'dang she is serious' or just did not want to befall the same fate but regardless, it worked. In just a few moments Sidekick was lying down sucking his thumb, subdued. He must have just been tired. I know it sounds a bit silly, but I felt satisfied in myself that I was able to handle the 17 kids in a successful manner. Lumi came out and asked where the sidekick was. I told her he was in timeout that he had been really naughty. She was so surprised and kept exclaiming 'bravo ashley'. It was a crazy day but for once I was able to really have the kids listen to me and be obedient.. all at once.
A.U had a fun little experience today as a past BYU intern and her husband visited. He absolutely loves showing off his skills! He showed them the letter board in Boardmaker software as well as his counting skills. In boardmaker Teo asked him to spell Ashley.. He spelled the A and then an L.. she told him no you need to type S when I realized that he just wanted to spell his own name! He definitely has an independant spirit which is so great to see. At first one may think, ah how frustrating, he wont listen and wants to do his own thing. While it is important to maintain the rules and boundaries, I find that his choices reflect his sense of independence.. even though we may ask him to do something, he is exercising his agency to do something else. This is so important for him and it is really great to see that despite the daily schedule and typical banes of institutionalized life, AU is able to maintain his identity. I think that this, as I have said before and as Robby has explained to me, is the main thing that we as BYU interns can help AU do. Have faith and confidence in his decisions, while maintaining the rules and boundaries. To be able to choose what he wants based on what he likes but also based on curiosity and desire to learn. He has a desire to learn and his persistence to understand and to get an answer right is something I am really trying to keep alive. I try to challenge him by asking him to try and answer something on his own. I know he knows, like with numbers or letters, he knows his numbers and letters sometimes he just needs help with connecting the dots. I try and wait for him to connect the dots in his mind, and you can see his mind working through his eyes. Sometimes I just like to wait if it takes a few seconds or a few minutes. When he needs help, he will ask, but this is how I really try to help him. I think the term is 'scaffolding'.. to slowly work with a child by giving less and less the more and more they improve. So today I tried explaining to AU that Friday is my last day. He did not seem to understand what I was trying to say. I may have to have Teo translate because I want him to understand. It is so crazy to think that all of these people and children that I have become so close to in my life here, I will never see again. Such a daunting thought. I have some email addresses but it is not the same. I really hope that girls in the following semesters will let me know updates, at least the big things like, this child is walking, this child is talking, this child was fostered. After I leave, there is very little that I can do here but one thing that I can do is to pray for these children. They are so loved by our Heavenly Father and I just hope that they will remember me. I am also glad that this program will continue for many years down the road. They will only have to go a month or so before another byu intern is there to work with them, play with them and love them in ways that the hired workers cannot.
OH! One more thought. I wonder how much it would cost to send a baby gate to the orphanage. I think that it would be THE biggest lifesaver in my room as the kids can open the door and are running out into the hallway every few seconds. When I go home I want to look into sending one. I think that it would be so great for them.
Well that is it for now, I will be back monday! oh and one more thing. I absolutely love working out.. I have been doing pretty good lately. It kind of stinks because my resources are pretty limited so my workouts consist of running stairs and p90x but I just love how healthy it makes me feel. I just wish I did not break out in rashes after intense workouts!
